sic transit gloria...glory fades.

I think I've gotten too used to not feeling emotion anymore.
I wish I could feel God again.
I want someone to call me out on all my crap, shake some sense into me, yell at me, and ask me what the heck I'm doing with my life.
I desperately need to hold onto someone stronger than myself.
I feel happiness these days...loads and loads of happiness. But no joy. No deep gut wrenching joy that I'm really living for something bigger than myself.
I just wish my parents would stop hating each other.
I'm trying to figure out where all my morals went. When did I start thinking that drunken hazes were fun? When did I start figuring that "almost-sex-but-not-quite-there" was okay? When did my kisses start getting less and less precious, and more like party favors thrown out to random men?

When did I start changing so much?
Why have I fallen so out of love with life?
What is this thing I've fallen into, and how do I get out?


I think I need a conscience.

Being frivolous and fun is completely spectacular- laughing and joking and smiling at your inside jokes. Flirting has never been so appreciated in my life, and my sporadic outings with men have been nothing but great lately. Phone conversations have also been utterly fantastic, and I've never felt so connected to the people I feel should be in my life.

I have to wonder though...does the emptiness ever go away? Six months of a roller coaster ride without You, and I just decided You weren't important enough, so I've been coasting solo for awhile now. I have to say, I miss the security and peace you gave me...but I'm not sure how to regain our level of intimacy again. I'd just, never hurt so bad, you know? And I'm not willing to go through that again. I don't show my love for You anymore. And somehow, You're still taking care of me.

Sometimes I wish I'd be in a horrific car accident, or have a piano crash down on my from the 45th floor, just to see if I survived...just to know, for sure, that You still cared.