and thus, we blog.

tomorrow morning is a funeral that shouldn't be attended. it shouldn't even exist.

i can't believe i've lost my first friend. my amazing, handsome, witty, bright as hell, teasing, gentleman friend. only 21. so young. a man with such an astounding future ahead him- the fact that a guy like that is gone- that, that should be blasphemy.

i distract myself. i can't even think about it. i don't want to talk about it, and so i write all the things i can't express to people.

i don't want to go to the funeral. i don't think i can go to the funeral. i don't think i'm strong enough to handle it. i need to be strong. i need to be strong for everyone else, and i don't think i could do it there. not with him in a casket, not with the knowledge that i'll never see him, touch him, or even kiss him again, or knowing the fact that in that same town, they'll be burying him under six feet of dirt.

i know that it's not really him in that casket. i know his soul is elsewhere; but i don't know where. i need to know where. i...need to know that he's okay.

as the clock ticks by and the hour rolls closer, i'll have to make a decision. i don't know if i can promise to be brave. the truth be told, i feel more cowardly every second.

i'm numb. so very numb. my stomach feels like it's contracted into a solid block of ice. i look without seeing. my heart merely beats to keep me alive, and i can't feel the pain- don't want the pain- can't handle the pain.

it's too easy to be okay. it's too easy to pretend.
but tomorrow, if i go...i won't be able to pretend.

i don't want to know it's the end.
i...can't know it's the end.



i love you.
you know i always have.