all optimism=gone.

i don't know what's happened to me.
how can i be so alive one moment, then feel so ...not, the next?
what is happening to my life?
am i even a christian anymore? because i sure as heck am not acting like one.
i feel like all my talents as a human being have been stripped away, and now i'm just something not special. i can't even really explain that without sounding like a total fool, (ie, writing ability now gone.)

i always feel like i'm settling for second best, or have no choice in the matter at all. my god, when did i become so whiny? rejection happens sucker, get over it already. i guess it's just funny that rejection in all aspects of my life had to come at the same time. =X

everything was great. everything, to some extent, is still really good! when did the world just start falling down around my ears? is that even the right saying?? there is something so wrong with me.

i'm furious and saddened by life all at the same time. there's no specific reason, and then again, i could probably make a mile long list. but probably not. ha. ha. some of the people in my life exasperate me. few ever make me smile. and for once again in my life, smiling feels fake.

God feels pretty far away. yeah, maybe i'm not supposed to be sure how everything will work itself out, but man, i wanted Stanford. i wanted it so bad, and i'm just beginning to realize how bad i wanted it. i can't help but gear myself up for disappointment every time i anxiously look through the mail for a letter from the gates, or how sure i am already that i won't get it. my confidence has dipped to an all time low, and all because of a rejection letter from the college i most desperately wanted to attend. that's pretty gay.

can i just add that putting yourself out there is just a terrible, terrible idea? don't do it, unless you are completely, 100% certain that your affections are returned. it's actually kinda like knowing that you're going to shoot yourself in the foot and it'll hurt pretty badly, but doing it anyway. just....stupid.

i have to refrain myself from just spewing bile [curse words? yeah] from my mouth and finger-tips.

my life is spiraling out of control, and for some reason, i'm on the sidelines, watching helplessly.
how poetic.
also very stupid, in a nonsensical and slightly threatening way.

it pisses me off that i can't even properly express myself even on here [despite mile-long rant behind this statement].

also, my iPod is messing up. there, there's the cheerful note in this whole depresso, emo, post.