the wrath of marcie

selfish.

2008-11-29T17:59:00.000-08:00

i am so, so guilty.

but is it so bad that i want to keep this good thing in my life, because i'm counting the seconds until it blows up in my face?

whatever. i know i sound like a child, but i'm keeping this bomb, even though i know i'll self destruct with it in the end. how melodramaticc.

suck it cowboys, i hate choo.
i'm cold.
the only thing that cheers me up about winter is cuddling with my boo.
pixar = :)
i realize that i have a huge apology letter to write to some of my friends, and i'm sorry, i'm sorry that i've been ignoring you and blowing you off. you probably won't even read this, but i just wanted to let you know...
this one person has become my life. and i know it's wrong, but it's so deliciously sinful to be consumed by someone you know is just as consumed by you.
i haven't talked to God in a long, long time.
blah, school.
FINALS is coming!
oh, i've fallen in love with sam bradford.
i love seeing my family again, but vinita isn't home anymore.
all i want to do is sleep. =]
drunk facebook messages- you know who you are. ;)
it's hard to focus on anything but him.

argh poopsie woopsie. since when did you completely dominate my life!?
i love you. :)

dwight, get out of my nook!

2008-11-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

that's what she said, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

my days have been filled with homework, work, Chuck, The Office, taking vitamins, Pilates, apple juice, napping, Pixar movies, laundry, cold, and most notably, Corey Lowry. who, i must admit, has basically taken over my life.

ugh, i'm so tiredd. yeah, this isn't going to be so much an update as me typing tiredly on my almost-dead laptop.

school's going well. i think i'll only fail (aka get a B) one class this semester, and besides the fact that i seem to procrastinate everything homeworkwise, things really couldn't be more fantastic.

i love working at Ted's. i love the flirtatious guys there, the illicit snacking in the back, and the money. kaching!

committed life is working out well for me. there's something to be said about having a boyfriend who actually loves you. it was completely unexpected--finding this freshman year of college, and not all pleasant--but i honestly couldn't be more content. right now, he's completely right for me, and i'm so happy to say he feels the same about me. =] i'm lucky, not gonna lie.

tonight i'm staying up with corey to keep him company; he's got a math test in the morning that he's doing an all-nighter for. we'll see how far i make it- i still need him to carry my laundry basket up my stairs. =] gosh i love men.

well, seeing that corey takes up about 90% of my life, i'm glad this post was evenly distributed. :D

ily puffedo.

i have to wonder

2008-10-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

if i just made the most horrible decision of my life.

now that i'm sick and dying, with ten tons of homework

2008-09-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

i find i have time to blog again.

sirens are sounding outside my window, and the sound is keeping tandem with my pounding head. i briefly deliberated on using proper english (aka capitals) in this entry, before i realized i'm pretty much incapable of even typing out sense right now. auuuuuughhhhhh.

what a challenge it'll be tomorrow, to not skip pilates.

if i don't move, the only thing that hurts is my head. when i DO move, my whole body somehow manages to ache and creak through the motions. fascinating, the human body....and it's ability to wreak havoc upon your life. (yes. like i said, i'm not capable of making any sense.)

i wish i had my mommy down here with me. :'-( i miss herrr. (remarkably enough, i miss my mom when i'm sick and too much of a baby to take care of myself.)

hopefully corey can keep me awake so i can accomplish things tonight. hopefully i don't crash at the frat house like a nasty skank hooooo.

got invited to an SAE date party tonight! yay for connor, walks in the park, and coffee. =]
my big is awesome, and she is taking me to goddard tomorrow to get checked out for mono. yeeeyahhhhyuhh....?
all my silverware in my room is dirty and is most likely generating some sort of horrendously poisonous mold.
i really do have a crap ton of homework. and a test this week in philosophy, which i will most likely fail.
my comm teacher is awesome! and he came to talk to my sorority tonight about "relationships." i'm a ludic and a pragma. this is another class i will probably fail.

gosh. i feel like such a loser. and it's all because of this SICKNESS that attacked me from the water fountain at the game! COREY!! i'm going to kill you.

well. the throw up button in my body just got hit, so i'm saying toodaloo for now.

well, you still haven't left

2008-09-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

in fact, you're becoming increasingly annoying, but whatever.

i have too many things to be happy about right now to let you ruin it.
-one of my ex-boyfriends is lookin' HAWT!
-my best frann is corey lowry. lol.
-my roomie left me brownies and i still have two left!
-the jonas brothers are awesome.
-i love my communications class. we're the shizz =]
-i've been up till three every night [not sure if that is a good thing]
-zach sent me a really sweet text!
[me: chinyew loves zachie!
him: i'm glad you do. you are an amazing girl.]
-i woke up for class today.
-corey is going to give me a john mayer ringback tone! yayy.
-my expo teacher is really nice and gave me pointers on everything in my life, basically.
-i am going to work out!! yess.
-i get to write a really interesting paper tonight about my heritage and food. and not to be a super nerd or anything, but i'm actually really excited about it! food is my favvvvorite.
-my iPod makes me look like an idiot when i walk the streets of norman. but i don't care, because i'm an attention whore and i like it when people stare at me.
-today, a hott guy whistled at me in my short shorts and tank top. lol.

things that suck:
-i'm really tired.
-i'm going to fail ted's tomorrow.

the good far outweighs the bad, gentle molestation=corey lowry, the end!

all i want is for you to LEAVE MY LIFE

2008-09-15T20:09:00.001-07:00

and never show up, ever again.
is that really, REALLY too much to ask!?

messy sandwiches & unhealthy dp

2008-09-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

you're the missing piece i need
the song inside of me
i need to find you
i gotta find you

=]]
yesterday, corey lowry and myself were together for a straight 13 hours. you think we'd get tired of each other, but i just keep finding new ways of creeping him out! it was the most unproductive day of my life, hahah.

me: i'm about to die of laughter!
him: i'm about to die of being creeped on.

i tell him poop stories. it's entertainment all around, except for him.

i've found that after i've met katie joby sasser, i've become much more exuberant via text. you're more likely to find !!!! and ALL CAPS when i text now. i personally find it displays an enthusiasm and joy for life, so sorry if you find that horribly annoying and think that i'm yelling at you all the time. (I'M NOT! hahah.)

thank heavens i changed my texting from 1000 to unlimited. i checked my bill the other day, and it said i'd already used 3000 texts! #$(%!?!? college is such a waste of money...

i'm not gonna lie. i'm scared of getting on that bathroom scale (even though i don't have one). this past week has been like food-fest for chin-yew. it's terrifying how much i consume in the safety of my dorm room, when i know no one's watching me. i'll probably be some hideously fat sea creature the next time you see me.

i've been rollin' to the jonas brothers lately. yes, i am obsessed. yes, i will defend them to the death. yes, if you get in my car, you will be horrified to see that i have invented dance moves and sing obnoxiously to all the songs (even if i don't know the words). [i'm working on it though!=] because of this, corey doesn't ever want to be seen in public with me ever again.

corey=sharkbaby.

I MISS JIMMY EPPZ!!

i honestly couldn't ask for better guy friends here. they take care of me in every possible way. thanks jakey, for buying my OU/chattanooga ticket! mmhmm. jimmy, for getting me a cupcake that i loved so much i saved in my fridge and just found yesterday night. joshieblondee, for writing expo papers with me till 2 in the morning. mikey, for taking care of me when i'm a tad bit wastey and being so sweet. reillzy, for my various random course packets and my bedd.

yup, and my girls are just too wonderful to even list.
sky is gonna be my bigggg though. she's gonna have me and makayla as twins. =]

disturbia is now a song of painful humiliation for me. don't ask.

i study EVERY NIGHT NOW! i might have said this before, but i don't think you know how terrifying this fact really is to me. and it's like, i'm not even a good studier. i usually start at 11 or 12, and get done anywhere from 2 to 4 in the morning. i'm not even going to mention the bad nights.

AND I HAVE TO GET A JOB! and i'm going to work at ted's!? a dreadful waitressing job that's going to take up all my time and kill me internally. i'm really second guessing myself here...sigh. and campus always has something going on, and i so badly want to get involved.

gosh, i'm so fricken weird....

anyways, i really intended this entry to be deeply philosophical and about how and WHY i was feeling the way i do right now about everything in life, but it just turned out to be a huge update on nothing. sorry if you read and were disgustedly bored! =]

off to study with joshie! =]

corey lowry is a loser. and he is now in my blog!

2008-09-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

wheeeeeeeeee.
so anyways. it's almost one on a wednesday night, and corey and i are sitting here being wholly unproductive. although, he is just a fat poop. =] i love him!!! even though he has horrible rap taste music. i'mmm not tired at all. sigh. i still have to read stuff for food and culture, but i think we're just gonna watch ratatouille (NOT FIGHT CLUB!) instead. yay.

*nibbles on corey's ear*
corey: oh my god, that is so creepy.
i get that like five million times a day. he gets tired of having to say it. bahahah.

OMG.
STOP THE RAP.
i'm so hungry right now. but i probably need to stop eating, as i have gained like 34983289 lbs already.
corey: true dat.

everyone knows that corey's a douchebag!
i'm sorry i haven't been calling home. i love you puffey. =]

why is it that

2008-09-10T01:21:00.000-07:00

i always want what i can't have.

sigh. this is for you, sexyy yumm drum major. =]
i love corey lowry and jake allen.

tomorrow is pilates, honors comm, and expo.
i just wanna play my music.

i need to start sleeping earlier.
"i'm gonna poop on you!"

lol kthxbaii.

right now i'm solo, but that will be changing eventually.

2008-09-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

i basically have two books to consume tonight, and i am not looking forward to it at all. sigh. tgit!! (thank gozzies it's tuesday! lol.)

anyways. last night was the most random night ever. to sum it all up though, i threw up in the bushes outside my dorm, slept for an hour and a 1/2, yelled at corey until he got his butt over here to take me and my sistahh to target, went to walmart instead (because target was closed! boo), and came back to my dorm to take like five million pictures. corey tried to make an escape several times, but sadly to say, none of them worked. we ripped out all his hair and sewed it to his butt!

*hear me snorting with laughter*

anyways. there's a DG chapter meeting tonight at 8, and i'm planning on studying a bit before that. speaking of sorority stuff...i'm not exactly sure i want to BE a DG girl. the scales are pretty even at this point, but as i'm not going to publish any of my true thoughts on here, maybe you should just ask me. reillzy knows. hahah.

speaking of, i miss you reillzy!!
i like staying up till 5 in the morning with jakey, tor, and mikeyyy. =] my little SigEp boy! so sweet. the off brand of honey bunches of oats is what is going to keep me ALIVE for the rest of this semester. my bed is 238948329x's more comfy now, thanks to reeilllllzyyykins. i'm excited for my food and culture class tomorrow! relient k's new cd is so chill. go take a listen.

my song for the weekend: one step at a time, by jordin sparks.

i already miss my baby sissies and my mommy, and i'm ready for my roomie to be back so we can rearrange our room!

corey lowry is the best.

and today my day was comprised of: jake allen.

2008-08-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

hahahah. i freaking love him sooo much.

so! here's the lowdown. i woke up at 12 and basically lazed around for the longest time, updating my iPod and facebooking people i don't even know. thenn at one thirtyish, jake and i debated about the merits of campus corner vs cate center, and as you could basically fry an egg on the sidewalk at that time, you can guess which one won. we both got oliver's, and i paid for his meal. =]

we headed out for the stadium around five (FIRST FOOTBALL GAME OF THE SEASON! wop wop) and jake had been a total dear and bought a ticket for me and everything. gawsh, =]]!! waiting in line was pretty much interminable, so we just made fun of fat people the whole time. first half we had the highest seats up there, and i thought i was going to have a heat stroke. OU scored 50 points first half!! incredible. well, as it was chattanooga, not really, but still fun. when half time came around, it started lightning. (lightninging? lighting?) me and jake barely made it undercover before the high heavens poured. one atm machine, a jumbo hot dog, a cheeseburger, and some fries later, you could've found me and jake sprawled out carefully on the ground a ways away from the food stand. sigh. more fat.

we chilled and made fun of these funky OU dresses for awhile before venturing into the stadium again. luckily, it had stopped raining, not that that stopped some fanatics from grabbing front row seats while it actually WAS raining. jake and i still managed to grab some prime seats though.

blahhhhh, anyways, i'm skipping the rest of it and just sayin' that i love my sister, and am apparently spending more prime time with jake, acuzz we're going to campus corner now.
kthxbaiii! hahah.

oh, i'm a blacksmith baby.

2008-08-30T02:45:00.000-07:00

somehow, i will never tire of the stock market crash, orange fanta, or comfortable beds.
or random calls from puffedo at the most inopportune times. :D

robert downey jr. is sexyyy.
i <3 my sig ep boy mikeyy. =]
i DON'T like calls from people who have been shoved into my past.
blogging when your eyes are half closed from exhaustion is quite the experience.
having the room all to myself again is nice.
music, for the most part, is still defining my life.
classes kick my butt hardcore.
my pilates teacher will kick your butt though. =]
i wanna see that cute boy from the pool againn.

sleep...taking....over.

i'm three for three

2008-08-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

and I love it.

Last night I got approximately four hours of sleep, and that's attributed to the fact that I staggered in my dorm at six in the morning. Which man, if that's what college is all about, I'm not going to survive.

Yesterday was fun! Reillzy bought me lunch at Hideaway, and then I got to taste his banana coffee thingie at Starbucks. What a gentleman. =] We hauled butt all over campus, and visited the University bookstore...which I'm mentally preparing myself to be raped by, financially. Then the afternoon passed in a blur... (which I say that because I remember almost none of it, and this is NOT because I was inebriated in the middle of that day, hah!) Tia, Makayla and I headed down to the commons area to check out FREE FOOD (or at least, that was why I was there), and M played hard to get. =p Then M and me headed to the Huff, only to find out that the gym closed at EIGHT. EIGHT. Really!?? So instead, we powerwalked a mile around our dorm, and went back to get ready for the night. The theme was bronze, pink, and blue...which I am never following another theme in my life. I went to see Tom and Reillzy at the KA house, and we all hung out for awhile there. Then I picked up Makayla, and we spent forever wandering around Norman trying to find places. The rest of the night was fairly scandolous, and thus cannot be revealed to a blog.

The Go! Team could possibly be the best thing to happen to a girl after a night out.
I don't know why I keep trying to kill myself with sleep deprivation.
I still have not found a job.
Tonight, I'm going for four for four. Haha. (Fo fo fo fo!)
Peru called me last night and it made me happy.
Phi Delt makes yummy drinks.
I've hijacked about 8 waters from the 'free water' containers in the past two days.
My dorm room is a mess.
If you didn't know already, my blog is named after a song by The Go! Team.
Tonight I'm headed out to a show with my good friend Danny boo. =]
THE STOCK MARKET CRASH! Yeah!
I'm intensely psyched. =D
Thanks Morgan Tepsic, for introducing me to them.
I'm a lot more creeped out by my blog and the people who read it now.
I love boys. I love....I love, I love them. <-- M, when she was 14, and how I am now.
I need to layyy out again. I feel my tan slowly leaving me. ='[!
I think I'll do that today and work off my freshman 15.
I just called Tayz! I love that girl, we're gonna hang today.

And I'm out babekins.

dayyyyyyyyyummm.

2008-08-21T01:23:00.000-07:00

i keep forgetting i have no text, and i keep texting. and actually, i am now completely aware that i have no text now, but i insist on killing myself internally (and financially) and texting.

it's worth it though.
tonight was a party night, and i thoroughly enjoyed it with my DG girls and those crazy alpha chi's. i'm up and sober and 3:30 in the morning though, so i'm preetty proud of myself right now. orange juice and....stuff is yummy.

coldplay's new cd is amazing. viva la vida or death and all his friends!
tomorrow i will probably want to kill myself, but right now everything is f'n fantastic.

bj's water killz btw.

and i love my girls katie sasser and makayyla beautiful.
my big is going to kill yours.

michael phelps is the definition of all that is man.

2008-08-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

i love him.
i'm a DG sorority girl.
and i'm too tired to update anything else about my life.

apologize for my neglect.

for the life of me, i cannot remember.

2008-08-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

i won't be held responsible.
she fell in love in the first place.

It's a little hard to define how I feel right now. Now, I know, if you're reading this, you're probably like, "Enough of this deep shiznet! Can we have some fun blogging already!?" so I apologize in advance if this turns out to be a horrid mixture of the two.

There's a lot of sadness and happiness mixing together right now. Simultaneously, I'm worried and completely ecstatic about college, eager to begin, but...(and here's the part I never thought I'd say) a part of me still tugs to this place, and all the people. I've been so anxious to leave for so long, and now I have to wonder if I didn't miss out on something during all that time spent wishing.

I think it's frightening how often we just assume that everyone in our life that's important to us will be there forever. And I think that realization has caused me to go the extra mile for some people in my life, whether it's driving extra distances, buying them things, cleaning their stuff, or in essence, just showing them that I care. I think that this summer I overextended myself too much for one guy. I believe I have learned my lesson.

I think you know you have potential with someone when you find a person that's willing to go beyond the extra mile for you. Someone, who in return, will drive to see you, care about you, and like you for who you are in return.

It's with this solid aim that I set out on this first upcoming year. I've learned a lot about men this summer, and Euni put it so well: "You don't need a man to complete you. You need a man to complement you, with your two separate lives merging into one." (I think I edited that a bit, but I hope it's the same thought!)

I don't really know where I was headed with this.

Last night, I drove to Joplin, and Chris and I went out to dinner at Cheddar's. Our conversation was filled with funny woes and violent encounters, and he is just the best man. Watched part of Charlie Bartlett before I was interrupted by my ex and Todd (who stole my chair! Loser). I still feel kind of unsettled about Brian; I wouldn't give him the grandeur of the "first love" title or anything, but emotionally, he did impact me the most. So we talked for a little bit, and now I'm praying that I won't see any news about a murder in MO. All in all though, I'm glad this is ending right when I'm leaving. If anything else, leaving will give me the complete and total closure that I need. All those frat guys should be good for at least SOME distraction, right?

Spending the night with Euni always results in lack of sleep, but being with her is always fulfilling. After girl talk till (literally) 6:30 in the morning, I woke up enough to bother Brian with a quick call. And then...I went back to sleep. Until twelve. It was great. :) So with the intentions of causing great turmoil in Matt's life, I drove all the way out to Webb City to claim his gift of a Hallmark teddy bear to me. (He had broken my bracelet a couple weeks ago, and was desperate to make amends....or not.) So we chatted, and I cleaned, and he made me the greatest bowl of Ramen I've ever eaten in my life. Also, he rapped to me. While I was there, I found out some pretty interesting things Brian had said to him about me....most being of a very uncomplimentary nature, and most that I still don't know how to feel about. It kinda sucked, I'm not gonna lie, but that's what I love about kids- they're honest.

Anyways, word on the street is that I'm a crazy slut.

I decided to be more candid on this blog, more so than on any other. I figure I don't mind if my life is up for scrutiny (at least, not for right now), and the complete honesty refreshes me a bit.

I can't believe this is all coming to an end and I'm leaving tomorrow. Goodbye Vinita, and hello Norman. =]

why is it that every time i see your name

2008-08-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

my heart still jumps a little.

moving out in three days! the anticipation of a new life is almost killing me. i can't wait, i can't wait, i can't wait. my roommate is awesome. bothering james has never brought so much true meaning and love into my life. my best friends threw the greatest gno ever, in honor of me. wreaking mischief has never been quite so malicious and fun. the late night phone calls are getting to be atrociously long, and i love it. i never thought i'd say it, but i'm going to miss so many of the people i'm leaving behind! shawpping with my sister today was quite an experience; i now know what men feel like when they are dragged unwillingly to every store to nod and approve each purchase. golden corral with the fam, being scared the bejeezus out of by my faja, and living...just living, for now.

angry girl music is the bane of my existence (still not quite sure what that means, but it sounds good!). going to joplin tomorrow to see christophah and say my last goodbyes to the people who mean loads to me there. packing has never seemed so insurmountable and impossible. i swear my things have multiplied.

man, i wish we could be friends.

sic transit gloria...glory fades.

2008-08-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

I think I've gotten too used to not feeling emotion anymore.
I wish I could feel God again.
I want someone to call me out on all my crap, shake some sense into me, yell at me, and ask me what the heck I'm doing with my life.
I desperately need to hold onto someone stronger than myself.
I feel happiness these days...loads and loads of happiness. But no joy. No deep gut wrenching joy that I'm really living for something bigger than myself.
I just wish my parents would stop hating each other.
I'm trying to figure out where all my morals went. When did I start thinking that drunken hazes were fun? When did I start figuring that "almost-sex-but-not-quite-there" was okay? When did my kisses start getting less and less precious, and more like party favors thrown out to random men?

When did I start changing so much?
Why have I fallen so out of love with life?
What is this thing I've fallen into, and how do I get out?

I think I need a conscience.

Being frivolous and fun is completely spectacular- laughing and joking and smiling at your inside jokes. Flirting has never been so appreciated in my life, and my sporadic outings with men have been nothing but great lately. Phone conversations have also been utterly fantastic, and I've never felt so connected to the people I feel should be in my life.

I have to wonder though...does the emptiness ever go away? Six months of a roller coaster ride without You, and I just decided You weren't important enough, so I've been coasting solo for awhile now. I have to say, I miss the security and peace you gave me...but I'm not sure how to regain our level of intimacy again. I'd just, never hurt so bad, you know? And I'm not willing to go through that again. I don't show my love for You anymore. And somehow, You're still taking care of me.

Sometimes I wish I'd be in a horrific car accident, or have a piano crash down on my from the 45th floor, just to see if I survived...just to know, for sure, that You still cared.

my phone has officially said, "buh bye."

2008-07-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

so i'm a shoppin' for a new one.

i'm kinda wondering why i don't have ANY of my housing stuff from OU yet.

b&bw's pink grapefruit body wash rather makes me happy.

i brush my teeth in the shower.

looking forward to the fact that i will be uncommunicable for a long time!
...or at least until my new phone arrives.
speaking of that, i don't wannahh buyy onee.

i ate a lunchable today. it was pleasurable.

sonic at night=eating lots of bugs.

i felt like a domesticated housewife today, because i cleaned EVERYTHING.

i don't think i'll ever make a very good wife.

mel gibson's voice is the definition of sex.

despite the fact that most of the house is now pristine, my room is still a pit.

i only ran 1/4 of a mile today, and now i feel guilty.

browsing the internet in deserted parking lots with grasshoppers committing suicide on your computer screen could arguably be the best feeling during the summer.

"did you see that yard falcon?"

i like pelting my little sister with water balloons under the pretense of playing catch.

there's a mosquito bite on my butt. whatt the heck.

'steady as the beating drum' from the pocahontas soundtrack is my favorite song right now.

shopping online could possibly be my downfall.

cheap sony ericsson z500's! stop being elusive.

someone burn me death cab's new album, narrow stairs.

i want to watch ratatouille with someone, so that they will also fully appreciate the genius of this film. no, really.

this friday "breaking dawn" is coming out. and i'm going to go to a vampire prom party with laura and kyle, and i'm kinda excitedd.

maybe tomorrow i go to joplin? for the last time for a long while.

it's past time to say goodbye to here.

off the top of my head

2008-07-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

fifteen random facts about me.

1. I have exactly seven text messages in my inbox right now. These date all the way from 6/3/08 till today. Every single one of them makes me happy.

2. Ever since D-Fest, my neck has been killing me, and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why.

3. That's What You Get- Paramore is the definition of my life right now.
"That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa!
It drowned out all my senses, with the sound of its beating..."

4. I can't believe my mom right now. I find it funny that I can't talk to half my family right now about what's going on.

5. Coke and frozen cappuccino makes for an interestingly odd but hugely satisfying combination. It's probably the ultimate caffeine boost. *guilty*

6. I never give second chances. Once I'm over you, I'm over you.

7. Ratatouille is my new favorite movie.

8. I just started my mandatory two mile run, every day, again. This time, nothing (or should I say, no one) is going to disrupt it.

9. I haven't used air conditioning once in my car this summer. Screw you, AC!

10. I adore talking to puffer fish late into the night, about tambourines, drunken escapades, and our hours upon hours of hilarity that ensue.

11. Taking pictures with boys are fun. Especially handsome boys. Especially handsome lead singer boys from The Stock Market Crash.

12. I reeally reeally want to be friends with my ex now.

13. Dr. Cox makes me laugh. ie; "Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine."

HA! HA! HA!

14. Things that excite me about this week: continued late night talks with Puffedo, the fact that my sistas are staying with me all week, seeing Freddie again this weekend, hanging out with Kyle perhaps, and just acquiring the most skin cancer I can possibly get in the last two weeks before I leave.

15. This coffee coke drink is really freaking me out now.

that's not creepy at all!

2008-07-26T10:35:00.001-07:00

so i'm really tempted to delete my last entry, as all my friends had charming names for me such as, "drunk (cuss word)" and "no! you cannot yell out my window at that mexican!"

but my gosh, it's the morning after and i haven't not regretted a night more in my life. in so many ways, it was exactly what i needed- the men, the flirtations, the owcahall, the blaring music, the MEN, the friends, the sushi, the sweat, the icy beer truck, ohgawdtheMEN!!!, the aching legs, the fact that i had to use the men's restroom, the atmosphere of downtown, my phone dying (thus prompting me to ask stranger hotties if i could use their phone), and did i mention, the men?

then the night just got better when we got back to jlee's place and i got to crash in bed with three hotties. hahaha. it was like girl sandwich...except jeremy was in the middle wiff me. :D

i just thought i'd let the world know that i FREAKING LOVE MY LIFE!
and this is not me being drunk in any way. lolz.

SANDWICHES, FOREVER!!

2008-07-26T01:50:00.000-07:00

*cuss word cuss word cuss word cuss word cuss worddd cuss word*

blah blah, in essence, the latter part of tonight after the stock market crash.
oh, my GOD.

best night everr.

i love:
-ex-boyfriends who still love you who can get you into super expensive concerts for FREE.
-the stock market crash
-the stock market crash bass player
-the stock market crash lead singer
-milllllllllaaaaaaaaahhh littttttte
-dancing to aar with a handsome boy
-buddddlighhhhht
-eating sushi for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!! with my best frann
-sweating buckets at concerts
-random men who pick you up and wave you around
-corrrroonnaaaaaaa
-eye sex
-the fact that i'll never be committed again because HOLY CRAP. how many good looking men are out there!?? tonz! tonz and tonz and TONZ!
-how i can make a guy stop dead in his tracks just by smiling at him
-being told, "you're soo pretty" multiple times by multiple men
-men. period.

ew, beer is gross actually, but for some reason men love giving it to me.

oh god, really.
i cannot define how complete *cuss word* fantastic tonight was.

i shall be less obscene and more myself tomorrow.

it can creep up inside you, and consume you

2008-07-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

a disease of the mind, it can control you.
it's too close for comfort...
ohh, put on your brake lights
we're in the city of wonder-

Today was the day that I felt regret and severely missed him around five o'clock. Luckily, Puffedo was able to pull me out of my grand depression and stop me from doing very stupid things. (ie, call him up sobbing and apologizing, etc.) I kinda feel like I'm rushing myself through the "grieving" process, but I can't afford to waste time as my menopausal clock is apparently ticking. lolz, no time to waste!

Me and Mary groused about how despicable and loathsome 99% of the male population is, and my god- a good man-hating session is EXACTLY what I needed, in order not to fall back into my pit of self-pity and sadness. It's true. You can't trust any of them. Maybe not even puffer fish (just keeding, Puffedo;). But it was great, and it was liberating, and I felt spectacular afterwards.

Now I'm talking to Puffedo, so I have to hang up! :D

quick edit: It's now morning and I'm craving French toast like a mother $%@#!*. Sorry, I was reading Pearls Before Swine, and Stephen Pastis is an utter genius at portraying Rat and his *&%*$#@ angry moments.

Somehow, all the right men are coming into my life again.
I'm thinking about going to D-Fest this weekend.
Saturday=Freddie & Ethel day.
Sunday-Tuesday=Norman with William & Nhan?
Sometime this weekend=sleepover with bestie jlee.
Today=lunch with Josh!
I just settled for yogurt for breakfast. *sigh*

and if the answer is no, can I change your mind?

and surprisingly, recovery isn't that hard.

2008-07-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

It's funny how things can evolve in a matter of hours. Your mind, your thoughts, your feelings-- everything changes in such a short time.

My philosophy then:
"If there's just one piece of advice i can give you, it's this - when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you've lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you're gonna wish you gave it just one more shot. Because the best things in life, they don't come free."

My philosophy now:
"If it doesn't want you back, then fuck it. There's always better, and that next "better" is just over the horizon."

I'm not going to sit back and wait for all the what-if's and keep trying for hopeless things in life. I'm so, SO through with hoping in things that simply don't come through in the end. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who will try for me, who will be willing to work through all the crap and horrible things the world throws at us, someone who appreciates who I am and still wants to be with me at the end of the day.

The most ginormous thanks ever to Puffedo, who deemed it necessary to immediately call me after he read my last distressing blog entry. It's good to know that there are still good men out there in the world, even though the remaining 98% find it necessary to screw you over in every way possible. Thanks for listening to me rant and let out 110% of my dysfunctional emotions. =] Boy, you are the best.

Belle & Sebastian- For the Price of a Cup of Tea
M83- Graveyard Girl
The Boy Least Likely- To Be Gentle With You
The Strokes- Under Control

Thanks for letting me stalk you Morgan Tepsic! Well, you and your music tastes at any rate.

Give me a few more days, and I'll be better than normal. Thank God for college, only a few weeks away now! I can't wait to live life to the fullest again.

and i'm so finished with that concept of "love."

2008-07-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

So for once in my life, I figure it’s going to work out. We’d been through such a roller coaster in the last month, and yet, still survived. We’d battled through so many fights, tears, and scares that I ignorantly figured we were golden. It’s just funny how things always have a way of just crashing down on you.

For once you’re willing to work things out. For once you figure, hey, I won’t give up on him, because I think he’s worth that much. For the first time in your life, you actually have hope in a relationship that seems doomed from the start. You’re willing to change, you’re willing to give it all up, to sacrifice so much, and then his words come like a slap in the face. A slap back into reality.

For once I cared enough to cry. And I was just, so prepared to lay it all out on the line, and it’s just horribly ironic that for the first time in my entire life that I’m ready to do this? He’s not. It would figure, and I should know it by now, that my rotten streak with men is just bound to continue. Something, anything, everything is just not going to work out. Why I just don’t instinctively know this, why I keep hoping, is just something I’ll never understand.

Until now. Now I know. Now I won’t hope. Now life will just be one fantastic playground with lots of nice male playthings. “I always tell the girls to never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, and if you never get hurt, you always have fun.” I’ve been burned far too many times to take anything seriously ever again. Life isn’t ruined for me. Because it just got a whole lot better.

I’ll be blithe and fun and utterly flirtatious. I’ll mend hearts and break hearts, and fix and destroy. I’ll be dangerous and smart and sexy, and I’ll make you wish you never missed out on me. I’ll let you have one chance, and one chance only. I’ll not let my heart get away from me again, so you can try, but you definitely won’t succeed. I will never take it seriously, I will never get hurt, I will always have fun.

Get ready world. I’m ready to take you on.

and your shape on the dance floor will have me thinking such filth and gauge my eyes.

2008-07-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

squeak. still love the shins, even more so after day spent with katie girl todayy. sigur ros is good for calming down after a hectic day too. still haven't cleaned room, although have made about 10 resolutions to do so since two days ago. feel pretty useless to society in general, although have to say, am enjoying it quite immensely. have acquired all sorts of scratches, bites, and cuts through ways currently unknown to mankind. suspect aliens.

text: li asked me what a plaster cast was and i told her it's where aliens come and immobilize you especially if they don't like you and then i showed her a corn cob in foil lol

=]
i enjoy brian obermann to an extent that's almost unholy.

me: i'm jealous of nicole. ='[
him: haha never thought you would be like that, kinda makes me smile
me: your reassurance is overwhelming. i will hunt down this chick if you so much as touch her. *glares*
him: haha oh the tables have turned

man i love cody and ribs.
sleeping at last-careful hands. good song, yes.

lolli lolli pop dat body.

2008-07-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

hey dearest! so in the last twenty four hours, i have come to the conclusion that men, yes, ALL MEN, just have the complete capability of becoming the biggest arses ever. oh gosh. except for lambert, because he's just a complete doll, and we're going to make crazy cute catholic asian babies. and i'm going to texas to see him and i just know that it'll solve all my problems.

*big sigh of relief*

if you guys don't know who 'the shins' is, you should get to know them. they make some of the quirkiest music ever, with an extremely good beat. and there is no way that the jonas brothers is overrated. then again, i'm one of those girls who never really got over the backstreet boys. i am such a sucker for a good voice.

guitar+boy+worship music=perfection.

running/jogging/a lot of walking seems to solve a lot of my problems lately. i guess i have a knack for meeting good looking 42 year olds on the track. whatever, i think i'm going to start running in my bikini again. gawk away, men.

tulsa riverside has a new asian restaurant opening, called te kei II, and i think i'm going to go apply. mmmmmmmm, riverside. i bet there are lots of good looking guys (with girlfriends, even better) to prey on. i'm so eager to man-hunt right now...

dayyyyyyyyyyum. OU's got me more and more excited by the day. just being away with all my essentials for a year in a completely new environment, new people, NEW MEN.

i'm obsessed with rap right now. don't ask me why i kinda adore this totally obscene music. =] i need to go clubbin' again, fast. a night of revelry would do me well. especially with nick, who's drop dead gorgeous and can dance reeal good. mmm, a boy who moves.

i'm pissed right now. that's where half this entry stemmed from. sheesh, i need a day in barnes and noble with iced coffee fosho. or just to waste more gas that i cannot afford, and LEAVE THIS TOWN. i'll be considering it.

well hey there stranger. it's been awhile.

2008-06-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

lots and lots have went by since i've last seen you.
as such, since i'm a bit too weary to go in depth, i'll be compiling a list of everything that's been going on. i:

-am enrolled. currently 14 hours, but i'm kinda wanting more.
-got a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend.
-had a fun two night vacay down in OKC/norman.
-am mightily happy with things in general.
-love bananas.

this wasn't so much of an update as more of an "i didn't forget about you, dearest blog." so sorry. i'll be back with more entertainment soon. =]

=]

2008-06-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

there's nothing hotter than a christian guy playing the guitar and singing worship songs. no way it could get better than that. =]

i think God is slowly permeating back into my life. there are a lot of things i need to correct...but i think i might be ready to do it.

my toes look like easter eggs.

i love kayla jean greiner. she is the bane of my existence! :p

holiday parade-my new favorite band. i didn't think it was possible to love all of one band's songs (except explosions in the sky) but i do love them. his voice is very swoonworthy.

i think this blog entry is pretty much pointless, but now i've grown rather attached to it and don't want to just leave it! so i guess just for your entertainment, i'll type out some funnies that happened this week.

*Brice is talking about painting your car camouflage*
Ethan: "I don't think you want to do that to your car, you might attract more deer."

Jason: "Did he say he's been kicked by towelheads bigger than you!??"
Everyone else: "COWS????"
*Jason hysterically laughing for about five minutes*

Brice: "What are those people called? Moosh?"
Me: "Mooch?"

Marty: "QUIT TOUCHING OTHER PEOPLE'S SHOES! YOU'RE GOING TO GET AIDS!"

Jason: "Oh yeah, he's a butt lovin' man."

Brice: "Everyone listen to bossy britches here!"
Ben (cackling): "You said britches..."

Me (screaming, when someone tried to sit on me): "Not the punishment, NOOO!!"

Marty: "You just gave her my purse! That's MY PURSE!"

Marty: "It's a beautiful day, oh wait, it's just you!"

Brice: "That is like solid stick man."

Me: "I'm going to rip out some of your essentials! (long pause) Like your eyes!"

Jeremy: "JUST SAY NO TO COWS!!!!"

so i recovered three giant hollister bags worth of clothes from my home yesterday. me and my mommy made up. =] i'm real happy about that, and it feels like i've just went on a giant shopping spree. which speaking of, i still need a job. i wish i were more motivated for that. and college stuff...yes, motivation for college things would be good too. sigh.

i just wanna liiiiiiiive summer.

101 dalmations

2008-06-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

1. i drive really well when i'm by myself. regardless, the only two times something bad [ticket, hit idiot deer] has ever happened to me while driving was when i was by myself, and all those other times, when i'm with people in my car? just near-death, almost accidents. this aggravates me.

2. i used to have seven different types of body wash in the shower. i'd wash myself with the scent according to my mood. i've since downsized to three.

3. i love huge fluffy dogs. especially alaskan huskies.

4. i'm going to OU next year, and i'm scared to death of the party scene.

5. when i grow up and marry someone, i don't want it to be just a marriage. i want it to be a partnership in business, in intelligence, and in love.

6. i'm not gonna lie- green eyes drive me insane.

7. i don't watch a lot of tv. more than often, i steal seasons of my favorite shows from friends, and "forget" i have them.

8. my two absolute favorites are the office and scrubs.

9. more than looks, i like power. powerful men have a confidence that's incredibly sexy.

10. when i'm old, i'm going to splurge and buy expensive, fluffy, thick toilet paper.

11. for some reason, i've always been a fan of pillows. especially the ones that feel like air when you hug them.

12. recently, i've started a regimen of running two miles every day. yesterday, i kinda skipped. today, i made up for it. tomorrow, i will hurt.

13. my thirteenth kiss is one that i will never regret in my whole life. we're talkin' perfection here.

14. i have to rein myself in from driving aimlessly nowadays. driving is something that can completely relax me, and during the summer with the windows rolled down on a sunny day, why, i couldn't ask for more.

15. sometimes i wish i could be a lesbian. but then i remember i'm catholic and the fact that i'm totally crazy about men.

16. speaking of men, i love men. i love how they smell, how their arms fit around you, how they laugh, how they dress when they're trying to impress you, but most of all, how you feel when you're around them.

17. i won't give up my nine year old sony ericsson brick phone fer nuthin'. i'm still in love with it.

18. even though my car's severely wrecked, i think it still runs like a dream. and i love it, and even though it looks awful, i'm still not willing to give it up.

19. i wish i had enough initiative to buy a pikepass.

20. my parents got divorced this year. when it happened, i cried so much. i've never cried that much in my life before.

21. when i got rejected from stanford and the gates millenium, and while my parents' divorce was happening...i lost all faith in God.

22. when Erid died, it got ten times worse.

23. i hadn't lost a single friend to death before Erid. i think all my emotion about him is still locked up, because i'm scared to let it out.

24. i love to dance. absolutely adore it, and when i can't dance, i bob my head and snap my fingers to the beat.

25. i can be extremely shallow at times.

26. i love getting to know people. and for some reason, people like sharing their stories with me.

25. i am personable. too personable, some people would say...and most would venture, "very flirty."

26. i still suffer under the philosophy that the microwave gives you cancer. so every time i heat something up, i stand far away from it. this stems from my mother telling me horror stories during my childhood.

27. the only time i've ever taken pills was when i got my wisdom teeth removed. other than that, i've never had a tylenol, advil, or any kind of medicine. i pride myself on this.

28. i like fruits! it's like the best of two worlds. they're delicious AND healthy.

29. i was incredibly disappointed when huckabee dropped out of the presidential race. now, i'll vote for mccain...but very reluctantly, and only because he's the lesser of the two evils.

30. i hate lima beans.

31. when i want to avoid civilization, i leave my phone somewhere obscure.

32. i love being introduced to new music if our music tastes are somewhat similar.

33. i think laughing is the most fundamental part of being alive.

34. i'm really good at moisturizing myself when it's winter, and no one touches you. but i definitely get lazy when it's summer, and it actually matters.

35. concerts are the shizz. i love the buzz of excitement, the lights, the screaming, and the music. there's always an adrenaline rush for me here.

36. if you're someone i could potentially like, i immediately start building up walls against you. nothing personal. i just don't plan on being hurt.

37. i have a range and variety of old navy flip flops.

38. i like spicy cheese.

39. i never have completely trusted any man. thus, i've not once had my heart broken.

40. i'm a night owl. i will never be a morning person.

41. i still have this odd phobia about commitment, even though i've longed and whined for a relationship for so long. sometimes i think i'm too much of a free spirit to ever be tied down, and i often wonder if there exists a man who can actually make me want to be with him that much.

42. i don't ever want to do my taxes.

43. i don't just want to travel. i want to travel, and i want to help people.

44. sometimes i think i would make a better man. but then i think, who would pay for my meals?

45. deep voices are such a turn on. i remember meeting a guy in minneapolis with the deepest, sexiest voice known to mankind. to this day, i still think about it sometimes and shiver.

46. i hate the fact that they just throw sex around in everything today.

47. i'm still a virgin. a virgin, nonetheless, who is gleefully anticipating her wedding night.

48. i like the smell of freshly mown grass, peaches, and abercrombie's fierce cologne.

49. panda bears are so adorable.

50. i fell in love with aquatic life when i went to seaworld last winter. if i ever get the opportunity to work with sea lions, dolphins, or whales, i'd take it, no doubt.

51. i'm wavering on my communications major right now. while it's something i'd love to do, i'm still iffy on the income. and i still want to be a flight attendant too!

52. i measure people by how well they treat people who are beneath them. i measure men by how much they tip our server. it's surprising how many people don't live up to these standards.

53. can i just say how much i detest waking up early!? i love getting 10+ hours of sleep, despite all my late nights.

54. i respect people who are in shape.

55. i'm scared to play loud rap in my car when other cars are around. but i love doing it when i'm pissed off.

56. i think cursing is crude. it makes people sound rude and unintelligent. not that i haven't been guilty around the crowds, but i definitely see you in a different light if you don't.

57. if i'm with you just one on one, i'll punch you once for every letter in the curse word you just emitted. but i'm still timid about admonishing people in crowds.

58. big words are SEXAH!

59. i don't think i'd be alive today if my iPod didn't exist.

60. getting out of town is my forte. i've long since given up on my small town and the nonexistent opportunities that're here. i live for something bigger.

61. my close girl friends are all as exciting and fun and crazy as me. we can all talk to complete strangers and be completely comfortable, snort with laughter, and look gorgeous in everything we do. it's a curse--we know.

62. i wish i could regain the relationship God and i had before my parents got divorced.

63. i don't like it when people abbreviate "you" into "u" or "I'm" into "im" or "I'll" into "ill" or stupid stuff like that. would it take you two more seconds to actually type out the word!?

64. i'm going to marry a man who texts complete words and uses apostrophes.

65. i just use shampoo. no conditioner. my hair loves me for that.

66. i'm a big fan of au natural. for the most part, i never wear make-up...and i think that scares most of the general populace away.

67. last year, all i would do is roll out of bed and go to school in my pajamas. suffice it to say, i didn't care what anyone thought of me in vinita. sweats and a tee were my usual outfit.

68. i'm learning more and more not to care so much about what people think of you.

69. i can't wait to jump my husband at 5 o'clock every night when he comes home from work. andd after dinner, anddd after dessert, andddd at midnight...i'm going to wear him out.

70. i like doing adventurous things! i still haven't been skiing or white water rafting yet though...

71. I'M OL' GREG! if you know him, we're best friends.

72. during my entire career of driving, my gas light has only come on once, and just because i was curious about how far i could push my baby blue. i'm terminally frightened to run out of gas somewhere.

73. i like the sun. i'm a big fan of doing everything i can possibly do in my bikini, in the sun.

74. i'm one of those nerd girls that like to read.

75. at the seventh harry potter book premiere, i made out with a guy who looked exactly like cedric diggory, complete with wizard's robes and everything. i think it'd be hilarious if we ever met again. he was gorgeous, and his name was jack. and oh yeah. i'm obsessed with harry potter. read every one all the way through at least three times.

76. when i say my favorite colors, i feel like i'm talking about christmas because they're red, gold, and green. i love vibrant things.

77. i'm starting to park farther and farther away from the doors of walmart. i think it's healthy.

78. if i can call instead of text, i do it.

79. i think the best gifts are gifts people give just to cheer you up.

80. somehow, the right person has (almost) always been there right when i needed them. and when they exit, someone else tends to come right in. i'm happy with how God orchestrates the people in my life.

81. i'm not a wimpy girl. i like tarantulas, and i love getting muddy. i'll try anything once, and i try to not show my fear if i'm afraid.

82. my sister gave me 18 thongs for my eighteenth birthday. for the most part, they were all hideous.

83. speaking of her, my sis is one of the most important people in my life. we get nekkid together a lot of the time, and she hits me with reality checks and laughter 24/7. (WAZZZUP!)

84. i think i'm on the verge of something big here. and i'm mad at myself because i'm afraid to take a chance on something new.

85. i love smiling at strangers.

86. i get reeally mad when people pull out in front of me, and i have to slow down. this prompts me to always go really really fast whenever i pull out, thereby scaring the occasional pedestrian.

87. when i text, i sometimes put things in *stars* to let the other person know i'm *laughing*, *snorting*, or *disgruntled*...or a lot of weird stuff like that. i tend to get creative.

88. i have close friends i would call if i was in jail, and i have close friends i would definitely not call if i was in jail. i love them both, but i swear being reliable isn't that hard.

89. i was born this year.

90. obsessed with facebook: check.

91. i was reared well by my parents; whenever i go to restaurants, i order water.

92. my ideal boyfriend would be 6'1/6'2, dark hair, green eyes, swimmer's build, and would always let me steal his hoodies. you know, ideally.

93. people who have a personal drive and zest for God are who i want to surround myself with. these are the people who don't have a personal ambition, and want to serve something so much bigger than themselves. this is what i want in my friends and my future hubby.

94. we're surrounded by love. you just have to reach out and grab it.

95. i've had two teachers who've really touched my life personally. they are my fifth grade teacher mrs. brown, and my eighth grade teacher mr. scott.

96. if i could be bothered, i would get contacts. but i know within a week, i'd probably infect my eyes with some random disease or something. so i stick with my nerd glasses.

97. when i'm working, i save extraordinarily well. so now my dad tells me i should work on investing instead.

98. i'm terrible at sports. i think it's funny when people still try to give me a chance.

99. i'm kind of a heartbreaker.

100. i live for summer.

101. i'm really trying not to sabotage something really great that's come into my life lately. i'm scared to not give this a chance, but i'm even "scared-er" to give it a chance. i wish my heart wasn't so fickle sometimes. it would make things a whole lot easier.

permission by reilly, granted.

2008-06-14T23:57:00.000-07:00

and at two in the morning, it's best to reminisce upon everything that's happened in your day.

Who is your best friend of the opposite sex?
probbably reilly. we get along famously. =]

When did you last kiss someone?
06/07/08. and yes, i was weird enough to get out a calendar to get that date.

If someone were to tell you they like you right now, would you care?
very much so. =]

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
sporadically. but not so much anymore- luckily, i've regained my heart.

Where did you last sleep other than your house?
kevin's bed? haha.

Do you have a best friend?
they all compile together to make me whole.

Do you smoke?
do i love cancer?

Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
boy-crazy. thinking i found the one before, oh wait, he has a fiancee!?

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
kay and la.

Can you vote next election?
i'll be one of the first in line. i'm entirely too political for my own good, without actually knowing anything about everything.

What are you listening to?
your hand in mine-explosions in the sky

Where do you keep your money?
ten paces away from my shed, six feet down in a locked treasure chest. i find it accumulates interest best there.

Do you love someone right now?
i love everyone!

Do you like someone right now?
*squeaks excitedly*....?

Who was the last person to call you beautiful/gorgeous?
briiiian. =]

Where did your last hug take place?
tai's casa, from jason. [who is a horrible marshmallow thrower, by the way.]

Where were you at 12am this morning?
in my backyard, feeling cheery.

How do you feel about the person who texted you last?
okay, so i'm not gonna lie- he's completely gorgeous.

Do you have unlimited texting?
just 1000!

How old will you be in 2 months?
two months closer to being 19? two years from being 21!

When is the last time you took a nap?
it's hard to nap when little boys are screaming your name from their treehouse.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
mr. clean.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
ohh, you know. i'm one of those girls that just tattoos her heart on her sleeve! ahaha.

Do you wear glasses?
i can totally do the schoolgirl thing, complete with short plaid skirt + glasses.

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
the fourth, getting a job, the lake with reilly, my girls, life during summer is, in general, great!

Ever kissed anyone with a name starting with J?
well...*antsy stare* a couple?

Have you ever fallen into a mud puddle?
of course i'm way too graceful to even contemplate that.

*snorts*

Do you like winter?
detest it.

If you could own a monkey, would you?
i'd rather have a nicely mannered lizard.

Have you ever given a random person your number?
no, i carefully and psychologically evaluate them beforehand. pshh, of course, everyone's given their number to a creeper before.

Would you make a good parent?
i think i would kill my children.

Do you like hugs and kisses?
see "winter."

What are you doing tomorrow?
father's day, sunning with kayla and gettin' the lowdown, katie's for mathematics, possibly church and i'm feeling like taco mayo right now. i know. it's terribly exciting. =]

i haven't done one of those in so long! even though they're frivolous, i think they're awfully revealing about a person's psyche. i stole this one from josh, and i must say i enjoyed filling it out very (maybe a bit too) much. today was goood goood good. or rather, it's what happened at the end of it that made it so great--nevertheless, i beam with goodwill and happiness now.

you guys make my life worth living.
talking to reillz (your new nickname babekins:), TALKING TO PERU!! and making tonz of funz about him, determining my room assignment for next year, gossiping with kay and watching her get ready for a wedding, car engine HUGELY malfunctioning and blowing a gasket, driving driving driving, tai's birfday party, riding horses, the most scrumptious burgers known to mankind, sitting on a blanket and sunning with becca, being horribly unhealthy, driving home to run my mandatory two miles, driving back for a bonfire and those bestial marshmallow fights, listening to 'the wrath of marcie' on the way home, and to top it all off, a two hour conversation with bri.

pfffffffft. i'm so excited about life right now. =]
p.p.s. i super super heart you, reillzy!! you like, make my day.

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

a siren screams at half past ten.

2008-06-10T15:19:00.001-07:00

yesterday: i've decided life is too short to go after things that don't want you back. it's so easy to do that and not realize what's sitting right in front of you- "so if the answer's no, can i change your mind?"

hahah. reilly, you are the best!! i'm going to make you get a blog if it's the last thing i do. i guess late night talks on facebook are kinda our thang now. :D we might do a slumber party next week together.

today: so i had kind of a serious blogging plan going through my mind yesterday; in the yester-morning, things were just not that grand. i had to talk to my dad's lawyer about some legalistic things about my parentals' divorce [in other words, i had to take a stand on which "side" i wanted to be on]. i wish things would be simpler with marriage and love and children. i've already vowed to myself that i'm never going to do this to my children [if they ever exist, most probably not;], and that i'm going to get in huge fights with my future hubby to be, and also make sure i'm comfortable enough around him to poop. (i can't take entire credit for the poop deal; bailey helped me out with that one.) haha.

it just blows that after 18 years of living together as one family, now it's just been ripped in two. i haven't talked to my mom in two months now. i don't think this is ever the way it should be with a family. i guess i don't talk about it as much, but some part of me still refuses to believe it's happening.

does the pain of losing someone ever go away? do you just constantly get reminded of them in little ways, and does the sorrow ever leave? i heard your voice today, and for a moment, i couldn't breathe. i still miss you so much...

so around noonish yestahday, matt came over and loved me and paid for my lunch and loved me and also paid for my COD and loved me and rented a movie (oceans eleven!) and loved me and we watched it andd he loved me and took pictures wiff me. he's such a grand boy. i'm glad we got so much time together before he leaves for FL. girls, you should snag him up because he's going to be completely rich one day! (an IR, doncha know:)

my dad: go work at the nursing home. then if one of them really likes you and dies, they might leave you a huge chunk of money!
me: *snorting with laughter*

and then that night turned into one of the best nights i've ever known.
-quincy magoo's
-air hockey DOMINATION.
-swimming (in four degree water! ;)
-garth brooks
-unpasteurized milk
-giggling
-tickle wars
-disgusting pitchas
-massages
-giant hugs
-perfection
-and brian, who's pretty much a splendid man. =]

reilly, I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO THIS SONG. help.

2008-06-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

i still miss you, insanely.
when i see your picture anywhere, it just stabs my heart.
i wish i could've told you how much i loved you before you left me.
i wish i could let you go.

i adore being completely distracted.

2008-06-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

gosh, i am just such a sucker for a guy with a great smile. it might be getting to the point where you can just predict who i fall for next, based on who i meet. how pathetic.

well, after moping around all day and doing various little things that don't matter, i headed to joplin for chris's going away party. as i was driving up there, i was reminded of how much i used to love just...driving. the wind in your face, your hair in your mouth, the music blasting, the sunglasses giving you a mongo headache- well, today was simply perfect, at any rate. headed to the OG because i wanted to see if havely was working, and yeah...i was a tad bit hungry too. so he snuck me a peach tea because he's grand like that, and i ate buckets of soup for dinner. waited for him to get off, and talked to a seriously sexy guy who spoke chinese...and was engaged. so i made SSG promise that he would introduce me to his younger brother who hopefully also is a SSG. :D

headed to chris's with david on my tail, and just chilled when i got there. malibu+sprite=extreemely yummy. spent most of the night talking to brian, and he entertained me with stories of...uhm, people.

"i like dolphins. i really, really like dolphins. they're just like people who can breathe water!"

we're going to go ride our mountain bikes down to the falls and throw baseballs over the edge and play football. ahahha. oh, and he'll be going with me to all the OU football games next year. ;) we talked a lot about erid...and he did the funniest impersonations. he also gave me dire warnings about drinking/frats/sororities, so i promised i'd call him before i got too crazy. buut yeah! i watched a hilarious game of flipdisc, and decided to leave before more malibu came to find me.

i need to:
-do honors college
-do housing stuff
-get a job
-get a job
-get a job
-find a boyfriend before i seriously get myself into trouble.

that's it.

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

2008-06-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

hahaha. so i've got a soundtrack revolving through my mind and exhaustion lapping at my body. lots of things transpired over the weekend, and i regret none of it- even if it does mean i'm a dirty skank ho. =]

life is somewhat all right- i mean, yeah. i think my morals are rapidly spiraling down the drain, and all my random life philosophies flying out the window, and now i'm really scared to see what i'll become as a person in college- but- okay, life isn't that all right. *ruefully*

i'm cheered by the thought of the various gorgeous men in various states of undress that i haven't met yet. that thought is definitely keeping me alive.

i just want to go with you anywhere.

to M: thanks for showing me that i'm actually capable of liking someone again. somehow, you were perfect as my 25th kiss. i'm not gonna lie...i thought about you a lot after i left. thanks for giving me butterflies and cementing that dramatic weekend in norman! =]

(okay, so did write that in hopes that M will never read that. sue me.)

crazy sunshine [and no, i can't say these last few days have been atrocious]

2008-06-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

i had one huge dramatic blog entry prepared for my "clubbin' experience," but was too lazy to update it four days later. basic gist: i went, got groped by some guys who could possibly have been my dad's age, danced with a sleazeball cutie who bought me a drink, and developed enough muscle to sustain a whole regiment.

what i'm more excited about is this weirdo guy i met and consequently spent the majority of two days with. you know he's important because i shaved my legs in an effort to impress him, and i haven't done that since muskogee's prom...which, as you can recall, was awhile back. we're caught in a constant battle of trying to one-up each other, and despite the fact that i keep winning, he keeps trying. it's so cute.

"drinken."
"strucken."

him: "i'm never stupid around anyone else!"
me: "that's hard to believe."

yesterday, he came down to meet me and after some general chaos, we went out for lunch (where i completely brutalized him), and on a spur of the moment decision (courtesy of me) we decided to go to little blue. little blue is this gorgeous spot by the lake, featuring some towering waterfalls and a completely clear-water creek. we spent about five hours there, just talking and walking and swimming...and a whole lot of talking. it was so fun to be completely cocky around him and stab him with my word spears all at the same time. we spent like, five hours there!

today mirrored the day before, except today he brought a boat (with paddles!!) and this laame picnic lunch. ahah, oh. it was amazing. it ended with him magnificently gashing himself on the rocks by the waterfall, and me liquid bandaid-ing him after him. i drifted off into a daydream of becoming that nurse who finds that guy...and we headed back after some minor discussion about "later tonight." today=five hours @ little blue too.

he dropped me off only to be begged by me to stay with me...and stay with me...and stay with me. i chastised him, gave him warnings of death, and to top it all off, stole his boat. we stayed in that parking lot for about an hour, too. =]

what a guy.
what.
a.
guy!

slogging through the water and clinging to his arm and both of us slipping un-simultaneously on the moss-ridden rocks and standing under the waterfall together and walking upriver and him screaming "fishie!" and me moving him because he was in the sun's way, goshdang....

i'm glad it won't be forgotten, because it's been recorded right here. =]

on thursday i'm heading to OU for sorority/frat stuff with chels. i'll be there till saturday, and i'm super stoked! this is just what i needed.

"i always tell the girls
to never take it seriously,
if you never take it seriously,
you never get hurt,
and if you never get hurt--

you always have fun."

and thus, we blog.

2008-05-26T00:41:00.000-07:00

tomorrow morning is a funeral that shouldn't be attended. it shouldn't even exist.

i can't believe i've lost my first friend. my amazing, handsome, witty, bright as hell, teasing, gentleman friend. only 21. so young. a man with such an astounding future ahead him- the fact that a guy like that is gone- that, that should be blasphemy.

i distract myself. i can't even think about it. i don't want to talk about it, and so i write all the things i can't express to people.

i don't want to go to the funeral. i don't think i can go to the funeral. i don't think i'm strong enough to handle it. i need to be strong. i need to be strong for everyone else, and i don't think i could do it there. not with him in a casket, not with the knowledge that i'll never see him, touch him, or even kiss him again, or knowing the fact that in that same town, they'll be burying him under six feet of dirt.

i know that it's not really him in that casket. i know his soul is elsewhere; but i don't know where. i need to know where. i...need to know that he's okay.

as the clock ticks by and the hour rolls closer, i'll have to make a decision. i don't know if i can promise to be brave. the truth be told, i feel more cowardly every second.

i'm numb. so very numb. my stomach feels like it's contracted into a solid block of ice. i look without seeing. my heart merely beats to keep me alive, and i can't feel the pain- don't want the pain- can't handle the pain.

it's too easy to be okay. it's too easy to pretend.
but tomorrow, if i go...i won't be able to pretend.

i don't want to know it's the end.
i...can't know it's the end.

i love you.
you know i always have.

"loll fuck your stifled laughter."

2008-05-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

robby headrick made me smile today. =]

today was insane. i'll update while i'm at home, right now i'm sitting in the dark with christophah.

impatience is my forte

2008-05-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

lucky to say, because i finally got tired of waiting around for that one guy today. maybe it's my new bangs that've given me the newfound courage, maybe it's the fact that one of my friends is in hospital with only 30% brain activity, maybe it's because i've finally decided that i've got to go out and grab some chances for myself.

i'm pretty set on who i want for my 25th kiss. i hope he'll be back to do it. i love him a lot, whether it was grudging admiration or sarcastic teasing, or wrestling each other until i almost died. we just...never really got the timing right.

just got iTunes. deliberating on limewire.

anyways, lots of rough and tumble the last couple of days. my world was turned to muck when i learned Erid Steele had had a wreck with his stupid motorcycle, and was now in the stupid hospital with a stupid horrible prognosis. i was so shell shocked at first that i just reverted back to acting normal, until some guy i didn't even really know asked if there was a reason i was sitting in a dark corner all by myself. then i broke down for about five minutes. god. stupid crying jags.

graduation is this friday. i wish i could be more psyched for it, but all i feel is a kind of weariness, and when, oh dear godz, WHEN is this OVER. give the grad speech, wait for some old fuddy duddy governor to give his commencement, walk across the stage to receive an EMPTY diploma (because, they mail those things out in the summer doncha know), and go party in tulsa until the early morning. and then, oh yeah, go back for two more bogus days the next week, because i definitely was not a good girl last trimester.

got some things figured out with two of my very good friends (kyle and ashton); i'm so glad they're finally "casually" dating! Erid, i wish you could still make fun of me and my fifteen year old...god, i miss you so much.

one of the teachers who has been the very best to me asked me to write her a recommendation letter today; she had won teacher of the year and had to send in a portfolio. i was touched and beyond honored to be one of the six to be asked (i think i was the only student, which made it all the sweeter!). she's taught me math for three years in high school, and been one of the most impactive (word? word? not a word?) teachers known to mankind. thanks mrs. skinner, you're incredible-but i guess you should already know that from the kick arse recommendation letter i wrote for you.

tonight i watched the last of season two's and the beginning of season three of scrubs. thanks for letting me lift these from you, jarrod. =] i think i'm starting to sound a little like dr. cox when i talk ("dear god, do you listen to yourself when you speak!?") but i'm sure that's all for the better since i think he's smokin' anyway. naturally, after i learned zach braff picks all the music for the show, that upped his hottie factor as well--but nothing will ever be quite as attractive as the arrogant, handsome man who secretly hates himself.

i am now quite content to wait for that 25th kiss. i'm glad i was cured from that ridiculous, childish crush, and while i'm anticipating my next kill with the usual blood smeared fangs and hooked claws, i'm content to wait for that as well.

well, right now i am. but, anything can change in 24 hours.

i'm wearing your old shirt that you unwillingly relinquished to me, and i never gave back. i'll see you tomorrow. i love you.

let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives

2008-05-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

squeak! so if you'd ask me, right now, who my ideal man is...i would totally have an answer for you. okay, are you ready?? well, the answer really is too obvious, so i guess i'll just say it:

ironman.

mature, distinguished, intelligent, suave, handsome, rich, powerful, a little self centered, and above all, confident in whatever he was doing- whether it was making bombs or destroying the enemy. i'm vain enough to want good looks and money to accompany whoever i get, but the thing that cinches it for me would have to be the way he carries himself, his confidence, a sexy arrogance that for him, is completely warranted. of course, for ironman it's completely warranted because he gets the sexiest girls, the fastest cars, and possesses the most brilliant mind. ohhhhhh, for a man like that. that is perfection achieved.

so i ditched baccalaureate tonight for a night with the infamous jake bates, which as always, was completely phenomenal, of course. (there were way too many commas in that last sentence, and yes, i completely, realize, that.) he's one of the few classic "tall, dark, handsome, and sharply witty" types that are so rare, so besides a good night of stimulating conversation, i also got to stare at him all night. (i need to get his younger sister to read this so she can throw up from disgust.) deeply satisfying!

earlier this afternoon i donned a bikini and went out to tackle my jungle of a backyard; aka mowing the lawn. after dousing myself repeatedly with the water hose, i'm proud to say that one sweaty, scantily clad, slightly gross asian girl successfully beautified a small area of land. (or just made the grass shorter.) regardless, cold showers after said activity are unbelievably wondrous, and can also make you very sleepy. so i sleepied and read the "under the jolly roger" (third book in bloody jack series by l.a. meyer-he's incredible) in turn until jake called me for directions to my house.

do i feel bad about missing baccalaureate? once in awhile, i feel i should reevaluate myself. and i'd have to say the God honest answer to that is a great resounding NO. i have too little time left here to be spent wasting it with my class. there are older men, better places, and brand new things that are just WAITING for me. i hope i don't miss out.

why is it so hard to find the lyrics to 'the wrath of marcie'???
go watch this. soo psychedelic. i love the go! team.

my face still half hurts from that piece of oral surgery, but it's getting better. i actually look like a reasonable human being now, and no longer resemble some sort of forest rodent. i'm thinking i'll coerce someone to write my graduation speech for me, simply because i'm too lazy and could care less. it's due tuesday...dun dun dun.

i wonder if i'm capable of real love sometimes. not that cheap, surface stuff, but the stuff that really digs into your heart and makes you feel. there is the off chance that i'm just some weird emotionless freak, which i'm kinda banking on right now. i wonder if i'll marry for power and money one day, things that do make me happy, but not happy in the way you're "supposed" to be. i wonder if i'll just give up.

sometimes best friends piss you off, and you don't want to talk to them. take a hint, like a good boy.

she's going the distance.

2008-05-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

i love cake. even though i change the lyrics to their classic songs, thus rendering them ruined for the rest of my life. haha, oh, i need a good dose of jim halpert to calm me down.

today was productive. i wore out my tear ducts for at least another good twenty years, found a computer savvy genius to help me with my graduation announcements (they're printed and now i just have to address them!), and realized that college (aka life) is no joke. needless to say, i wouldn't mind a good roll in the hay, but hey, i'm young and my hormones are raging.

tomorrow i'm headed to either norman or missouri, depending on my mood and level of exhaustion. i severely need a good long break from this place, and i'm also skipping school to do it- it's nice to have the counselors on your side for a nice excused absence. ;)

i am extremely tired of people who let you down, and extremely annoyed with myself for thinking to trust these people again. i'm also extremely happy that i have those rock-in-the-sea friends who stick by me no matter what- thanks peru, kyle, & jeremy. those are my man constants. =] hahah, laame. a big thank you to kayla greiner and her shoulder to cry on, and also debbie lauchner for working with me until late to help me fulfill my dreams as a high school graduate. all you guys who bore with me post-surgery and my flood of inane texts, and all you who came and ate loratabs with me to keep me company. lauren from OU, you're amazing!

didn't show up for baccalaureate practice today, and am still contemplating skipping the dang thing on sunday. it's a mark of how much i completely detest this town that i'm even thinking about not going, but there ya go.

senior picture taker scouting. does anyone wanna do it? i'll drive, and you'll get to look at me all pretty-like...

uhm, prom was good. i have to say i enjoyed dinner with kyle, ben, and the yee more than the actual prom, but then, muskogee's was hard to beat. a real interesting combination of things happened directly afterwards, but i basically shunned it all and woke up at 8:25am to attend the senior mass at church. got to catch up with a few man-toys from my past, so not all was lost...although, i still caught some shut-eye during the sermon.

today would be what you would call, in a word, Hell. the tears did not help my mood, and the situation concerning it was, well, an occasion for glaring darkly and sonic java chillers. really pissed me off because i haven't cried since february, so i hope this'll tide me over for at least a couple more years, or like i said before, twenty.

hello, you.

2008-05-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

all right! so it feels like we haven't talked in ages. so since april 28th, a few things have transpired.

-one of my wisdom teeth is impacting. and no, that isn't a good thing.
-i got kicked out of my house.
-I GOT KICKED OUT OF MY HOUSE!
-AYEEEEEEE GOTT KICKKED OUT OF MAYEEEEE HOUUUUUUUSE!!!!
-got my first motorcycle ride of the summer.
-had a series of unfortunate events with an old boo's lips.
-razed an entire jungle!
-forced a boy to see an awful chick flick. trust me ladies...it's liberating.
-the proceeding night, went to see 21 with kyle.
-meandered through country lanes to find gas stations at three in the morning.
-realized that i should, in fact, give some of my clothes to the homeless.
-(however, i will not.)
-read gossip girl (what a load of crap), a love story, a book about fantastic grecian beasts, and "Prom Nights From Hell." you can tell i'm really stressing out about my reading load.
-my brick phone, my old sony ericsson, is slowly dying. i think i'll die too.
-i have been mouthing some of the curse words to kanye's songs in my car. when i'm feeling extra hardcore, i scream them.

nothing too exciting. if you're lucky, i'll have another prom update for you after this weekend. *wickedly*

that time of complete exhaustion

2008-04-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

the best time to update your blog, of course. *yawn*

so muskogee's prom last night exceeded a lot of expectations. i think i could get used to traveling in luxury, aka the hummer limo that was my date's grad gift. for most of the night i was wedged in between willie and nick, and somehow kept injuring them with my vicious one inch heels (lemme tell ya, gotta watch out for those things).

so the general lowdown: i got there a little later than i'd planned, and me and willie immediately sprinted off to the flower shop for his boutonnière. got back in time for exactly fifteen minutes of preparation (we were both in casual, everyday wear- me with my hair down, no make-up, short shorts and a tee, him in jeans and a t-shirt), so i took over the restroom after that. ;) owing to the fact that we're both naturally stunning already, we were able to pull this stunt off with no problem at all. after that, people started arriving (stacy, her date, kristin & nick), so a quick flash of camera shots later, we all jumped in the limo and headed off.

honor heights park, pictures with the entire group (and trust me, talk about people, big group!), me trying to angle my body the best way as to not appear overly obese, not to mention those unexpected camera shots caught with my mouth half open, laughing, or something equally atrocious. when that was done, all thirteen of us crowded into the limo and drove to johnny v's. nick and i sang "umbrella," along with a bevy of other gangster songs. so italian food's just good, and i had stuffed myself waay before my entree had even arrived. satisfactorily though, i can say my date was just as obese as me. :) dinner talk was peppered with college, men, possible majors, men, dessert, and men. i supplied every other subject topic, which led nhan to injustly call me "boy-crazy."

ridiculous. afterwards (dinner took about one and 1/2 hours), we cruised by prom and decided that it was entirely too early to appear...thus prompting us to show up at walmart to impress the locale.

just kidding. but we were tempted. instead we cruised and marveled at the wildlife's look of astonishment upon seeing us in our 'o8 hummer limo. (i can't stress this enough.) after enduring too many of nick's "WHAT! yeah, you'd best be looking at us..." mutters, we staged our grand entrance into MHS's prom. and wow...talk about a date that can dance! mine killed. i had to laugh, because willie just plays the nice gentleman part to a tee...until you see him on the dance flo', grindin' all up on that girl. admittedly, i was that girl on a few occasions. he completely humored my inability to be a complete floozy, for which i was very grateful. kristin, carla, and i ineptly 'soulja boy'd that ho,' and i got threatened by a large african american girl. needless to say, i had a great time. prom ended wayy too fast.

wide awake in the limo, we all watch nhan promptly collapse of exhaustion. willie directed the limo driver to individually drop off people until only nick, kristin, carla, nhan, willie, and i remained. the six of us ended up at willie's house, and changed into more comfortable wear. (kristin: "six of my ribs popped out when i got out of that dress. no, i am not kidding.") after that, we just chilled and stole willie's ice cream and ate all his ice cream cones. when we finally did start thinking about moving, we took our sweet time in deciding what to do. me and willie decided on javier's, which is a cool club in muskogee featuring DDR...and yeah. i almost fell asleep watching the hypnotic patterns on the screen, and my prom date dazzled, of course. joined shortly thereafter by nick, carla, and kristin, and nick asked if we wanted to head over to his casa for some birthday cake (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NICK!), so we did. all the girls froze outside as i'm sure it was negative something degrees, and i was clad in a thin black tee and nothing else (save jeans). pumped up willie's heater to a thousand degrees, got to nick's and stole one of his essential warmth items (in this case, a white hoodie), and scared ourselves silly with nick's ceiling to floor length windows. retired to nick's room, and took it over while watching the....disney channel? yes.

"i imagine this show would be something people high would watch."
"i imagine this show would be created by people who were high."

contemplated spending the night on a corner of nick's bed before willie hauled me to his house at 5 am. promptly died, but not before bothering willie for another blanket beforehand. :)

this morning, drove home at 11:30 am. almost died a couple of times, but as you can see from this long, boring post about my exciting prom night (only not so much for you folks out there), i'm still here. and now...yes, now, i'm about to really die. g'night!

iced coffees.

2008-04-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

i've calmed down a little from my last rant.

things that are going on:
-daily talks with my ftsb, it's very likely we're getting married...because i can make him do whatever i want. =]
-buying two prom dresses for $4.99 each. score!
-laundry (and LOTS of it) today.
-a lot of mental cursing that luckily (for the most part) hasn't left my mouth. not too good..
-a growing love for "devil-may-care" men.
-making my way through the harry potter series again. starting on the fourth tonight, and i love it.
-what's up with my new obsession with justin timberlake!
-thinking tiny mites are trying to eat me alive.
-wondering WHY everyone is suddenly "in a relationship." especially past boos.
-wondering if i just got left out on that whole spring fever thing.
-muskogee's prom this saturday. it's got me all aflutter.
-burnt (mixed!) cds are among the best presents you could give a girl. really.
-starbucks is exceptionally great when men are present who will pay for your coffee. thanks, jorge.
-taking pictures in dressing rooms has never been so attractive.
-abuelo's: not the place to eat for prom.
-silver heels are hard to find. especially if you're not willing to go for the $200 dolce ones.
-i want to watch dan in real life with a boo!
-motion city soundtrack and angels & airwaves. i like them both a lot.
-i like talking to my best friend when he makes time for me, and repeating everything he says. :D
-there's never been a better time to discover new music.
-i might be bald before i'm 40. :-O rogaine, yes.
-i'm desperate. okay, not desperate-will-go-for-anything, but desperate enough to prey on married men. that's not as bad, is it?

i don't have the energy to be meaningful today. so writing unmeaningful fluff was my other alternative. i'm burning a lot of my friends cds now! i want to create mixes that are uniquely them, and i'm having the best time doing it. i should probably get a job to better occupy myself.

a conversation:
me (exasperated): "my dad doesn't own a chinese restaurant. he doesn't own anything."
boy: "oh yeah? well there's one thing he does own!"
me: "uh huh, what's that?"
boy: "your mom!"

as the hilarity ensued, i didn't have the heart to spell out d-i-v-o-r-c-e means no one owns anyone, anymore.
sad moment.

"i'm just waiting for my world to fall apart...
that's why i'll never finish anything i start. "
-MCS

hey, if you're not married...call me. or if you are, and you're gorgeous...
my options are open.

to morgan tepsic: i don't understand what you want!

all optimism=gone.

2008-04-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

i don't know what's happened to me.
how can i be so alive one moment, then feel so ...not, the next?
what is happening to my life?
am i even a christian anymore? because i sure as heck am not acting like one.
i feel like all my talents as a human being have been stripped away, and now i'm just something not special. i can't even really explain that without sounding like a total fool, (ie, writing ability now gone.)

i always feel like i'm settling for second best, or have no choice in the matter at all. my god, when did i become so whiny? rejection happens sucker, get over it already. i guess it's just funny that rejection in all aspects of my life had to come at the same time. =X

everything was great. everything, to some extent, is still really good! when did the world just start falling down around my ears? is that even the right saying?? there is something so wrong with me.

i'm furious and saddened by life all at the same time. there's no specific reason, and then again, i could probably make a mile long list. but probably not. ha. ha. some of the people in my life exasperate me. few ever make me smile. and for once again in my life, smiling feels fake.

God feels pretty far away. yeah, maybe i'm not supposed to be sure how everything will work itself out, but man, i wanted Stanford. i wanted it so bad, and i'm just beginning to realize how bad i wanted it. i can't help but gear myself up for disappointment every time i anxiously look through the mail for a letter from the gates, or how sure i am already that i won't get it. my confidence has dipped to an all time low, and all because of a rejection letter from the college i most desperately wanted to attend. that's pretty gay.

can i just add that putting yourself out there is just a terrible, terrible idea? don't do it, unless you are completely, 100% certain that your affections are returned. it's actually kinda like knowing that you're going to shoot yourself in the foot and it'll hurt pretty badly, but doing it anyway. just....stupid.

i have to refrain myself from just spewing bile [curse words? yeah] from my mouth and finger-tips.

my life is spiraling out of control, and for some reason, i'm on the sidelines, watching helplessly.
how poetic.
also very stupid, in a nonsensical and slightly threatening way.

it pisses me off that i can't even properly express myself even on here [despite mile-long rant behind this statement].

also, my iPod is messing up. there, there's the cheerful note in this whole depresso, emo, post.

the weekend.

2008-04-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

note: tiny edit, at bottom.

i'm really not sure how life could get any better, excepting the fact if john krasinski asks me to marry him, of course. i wish good rap music would be less vulgar. dangg. dl;safjkal;sdkfjsa.

so new pictures on facebook, if you're on! i'll think about uploading them on hurr. OU was sooooo good. i love amber. love love LOVE her. and darryl philbin is just AMAAAZING. oh, excuse me. craig robinson. i'll be selling his autographs for fifty bucks apiece. i'm thinking i might go greek next year, and rush. the drinking and partying kinda worry me, ...but maybe i'll pull an amber and get through? lol.

things are actually starting to get rollin'. i'm a bit more excited about college now, although one of my friends had some difficulties with admissions, and now isn't going there anymore. i was reeeally disappointed when he told me about that. [stupid peru.=] all the same, i'm not dreading the onset of going in-state THAT much anymore....although, it still doesn't thrill me. but OU has really good food, and reportedly, an amazing gym. (yeah, that's an oxymoron...)

driving down there was a witch, dinner reeally late [wraps!] was very fun, all those HD's and HI's exquisite, smoky clothes, astrology, sexy turn-ons, and if you were gay...., long john silver's, sleeping late, cutting in line, comedy shows with hott black men, frat parties and beer pong, deep meaningful conversations about past loves (and all that crap, amber), getting lost in oklahoma city for an hour, refusing to ask for directions, the apple store and seeing morgan again!, the bank, gas, and target (all in quick succession), asian shopping with a complete know-it-nothing, disgusting starfruit bubble tea, pictures, missing all the right exits, a terribly late dinner at cheddar's, and driving home with raspberry lemonade. also, almost ending up in locust grove.

today, i'm resolving all the bad things in my life.
can i just say that i'm reeally, reeeeeeeally happy about everything right now?

"I WANT TO FREAKING KILL YOU."
"Oh, happy dagger."
"I just went through puberty! Who wants to stroke my mane?"
"CHARLIE!"

oh, and i forgot to add: i met a really cute guy with a fantastic smile. andd, i'm still a little obsessed with him right now. =] (just so i don't forget, his name is sean.) calling people stupid never really gets old ("you're like the pet retard everyone wants to bring to school!"), and sometimes photographs bring back real sad memories. i don't like rejection. no, not a fan at all, indirect or subtle as it may be. that's it. [this really wasn't enough for a new blog, hah.]

i wish people wouldn't break so many fences

2008-04-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

i'm a little tired of mending them all.

cons:
i'm utterly and emotionally spent on family matters.
i'm also rejected by stanford.
the one guy i didn't realize i liked until...well, a lot of crap happened and he has a girlfriend now? is still unavailable. but an excellent friend! which is what i've always wanted...i guess.

pros:
well, at least he didn't move to alaska, and is still within driving range.
had an hour long talk with one of my really excellent friends today.
freddie said he'd call me tomorrow, =]
peru talked me through my FAFSA, and is really smart about tax forms.
i quite enjoyed editing with ana and morgan by my side.
i gave my phone number to a very nice car mechanic today =]
singing praise and worship on the way to school had never been that satisfying.
the boss slashed 1/3 of the price off. (oil change, baby!)
mean girls had a satisfying and moralistic conclusion.
willie called me today, and regaled me with tales of the prom to come for us.
my mom made chinese shrimp tonight. it was delicious!
i'm starting to be beyond excited for norman this weekend. i'm literally bursting out of my skin!
i love how God orchestrates people in my life- i've met them once, yet kept in contact with them for two years now. and now i get to see some of those people again!

i guess my point with that whole exercise was that if you were truly to dissect your day, there are always many good things, and often they outweigh the bad. if you don't let those moments simply slip by you, you'll realize that you, indeed, have it amazing!

i started a prayer journal lately, and it is comprised of all the good things that have happened to me that day. it's something that'll bring me up from darker things i think, and an excellent way to give thanks for everything i've been given. somehow, when it's all on paper, you can really see what's going on.

something neat: God loves you too much to give you something [you ask for] that will ultimately ruin you. that's the stance i'm taking on stanford, anyway. =]

notice the nice things people do deliberately for you. look to the future for hope. and smile when you get an unexpected phone call from someone special.

the last two days [and then, today!]

2008-04-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

day 1 (on the other side of the radio):

dhskljh has been my mood lately.

i feel good (rap) music, lord of the rings, and ben's soft carpety hair soothe me. i rather enjoy all three to a great extent, along with baby chihuahuas that like to pee on my porch and snuggle after aforesaid peeing session.

so every night i've been staying up till two and waking up around 10:30; immediately going to school afterwards to eat and go to class. speaking of cafeteria food, i'd just like to take a hearty stand and defend it--right now. i, myself personally, greatly enjoy almost everything they have to offer. true, they've got some weird stuff now and then, but that's just...that's just...variety is the spice of life, goshdanget! seriously. that's half the reason i go to school. for the food. you might think it's sad because i'm not even joking, but i'm just going to tell you that beggars can't be choosers.

i also like remixes of [most] songs. like mariah carey's song, her #18 number one hit, "touch my body"...?

okay, okay, i am fully joking about that.

baby pictures are really fun! send me yours!
any good music lately? please recommend. i've been in a pretty great classical mode lately (downloaded both becoming jane and pride and prejudice soundtracks, accompanied by some beethoven and bach), but i'm returning to the world of wordy music. just passing the word on, but MIA has a kickarse song called paper planes out- if you want the real good stuff though, go for the DFA remix (ah, there we are, back to remixes again:).

i splurged for myself today and bought a cosmo. i know, i know, mass consumerism and whatnot, but i really just couldn't resist. *winces*

i want to go back to texas again. i don't exactly know why i like it so much, but san antonio sounds pretty ideal about now. i am so ready for school life to be done. i'm still really excited to see where i end up going, because i haven't heard crap from stanford yet! eek.

life is all right. i'm working on my relationship with God right now, and it's not the best, but i'm praying He'll inject that passion i had for Him into my life again. i'd really appreciate the prayers of anyone who reads this! He's so amazing.

you should talk to me about Him sometime!

day 2 (sometimes i bring him juice. my boyfriend is 12.):

i have to say that my heart sinks a bit lower every time i read my OU admissions stuff. it's not like that would be a horrible place to go, or even like the last place on earth i'd like to be-- but there's that stupid part of me that's still holding out for stanford. *sigh* i mean, i am fully expecting my rejection letter any day now, but OU is just so....so.... in-state. blah.

and yeah. i totally think it would be scary to move out to california with just me and all my stuff, but i guess i can't help but long for it, regardless. i can't believe it's almost all over. and soon, i'll be surviving on ramen noodles and water. haah. sometimes i think i want it so bad that i lose sight of what God wants me to do. and hey, if He thinks i'll be good-- no, better, great-- at OU, i guess i'm not going to argue. (well, maybe a little.) but sometimes i'm not sure i hear where God's voice is guiding me anymore.

sometimes i'm not so sure i want to hear it, for fear that it might be something i don't wanna hear (EVEN if it is the best for me- i guess that's where trust issues spring into play again).

i don't think i'd like to see how the next 5-10 years of my life are going to pan out, but it would be reassuring to know that there is a remarkable future planned for me. what am i talking about, i KNOW there is- (God guaranteed that) well, i guess a part of me wouldn't mind finding out after all- but that's contested by a larger part of me that wants to be surprised.

i need to be constantly reassured about God's love these days. i don't know why, maybe it's because for once my future isn't all set out, but it's really nice when people come out to me and say, "hey. you're a great girl, and you're going to carve out a magnificent future for yourself. leave this town and make something big of your life!" it's nice to know that even in little ways, God is looking out for me, encouraging me on the way.

i long for california. i long for the ocean, the beach, the college. but sometimes what i long for isn't what's best for me. it's so hard for me to accept that sometimes. especially now, when life is really just beginning. man Lord, i'm really trying to get to know You again, but it's kinda tough right now, you know? to be honest? i'm kinda scared.

scared that maybe i'll really mess something up; maybe a friendship, my relationship with You, or my life in general. i want to find You and seek You every day, and share You with people who don't know You. i want to buy people's coffee and talk about You. but sometimes i'm not sure where to start.

hahah, i'm not sure when this post started turning into a prayer, but if you're reading, well, thanks for reading. =] i think there are things that all of us struggle with every day, but sometimes you just gotta make yourself trust in the one real thing. i think you guys know Who i'm talking about.

prayer request: stanford and everything concerning it, college financial aid, prom. hahah.

p.s. the office marathon tonight was AAHH! leatherheads comes out tomorrrrow. and i love john krasinski. a lot.

day 3 (today was icing!):

good day. reeally good day. mostly all thanks to two guys.
-i started this blog
-last night, i spent an hour with my Daddy =]
-"i brought you pudding, but i eated it all up."
-my chihuahua found a good home. a little sad, well, a LOT sad, but i bet he'll be happy
-i carried around a small dog in walmart and didn't get yelled at
-zoolander and pitchas wiff my bestie =]]
-tomorrow i get to spend time with my dad
-and yeah! do people actually read these..?